Saturday, July 10, 2010
We Have Cancer - 7/1/10
That's the fact of the matter. Even though I have the tumor, "we have cancer." Me, my family, my friends. It affects all of us
Monday, July 5, 2010
Dad Has Cancer - 7/1/10 - Part 2
I vaguely remember Margaret telling me what the doctor found and what he told her. I think when I heard the news, I just stepped out of myself for a bit. I have no recollection of getting up, getting dressed, saying goodbye to anyone or leaving the clinic. I don't remember walking to the car or driving away. I don't remember any words we might have spoken. What I do recall is the car in motion with me in it, looking at Margaret and my eyes flooding with tears. I suddenly knew it was real. It was me, not someone else. I had it. I was sad because I knew our life was going to change but I wasn't worried or scared or in denial. The tears came in waves and I could only think about the kids and how sad they were going to be when they heard the news. Their lives were not going to be the same. I was going to create sadness and worry for all of them. Cancer sucks!
Because I was embarrassed and didn't want to hear all the jokes, I had asked Margaret not to tell anyone in the family about the fissures or the procedure I was having but of course she did. How would I feel if any of them had not told me? Silly ego. Anyway, the kids all knew and were waiting for an update. My dear Margaret told each of them the shocking news privately so I wouldn't have to hear her tell the story over and over and hear their initial reactions. Alicea whose been through so much already and Courtney cried and Noah, though sad, pushed through and tried to look for something positive. They would be over to the house in an hour.
When Margaret and I got home the shock still hadn't worn off. We didn't know what to say, but everytime we'd look at each other we'd get teary. We were completely unprepared for this news. I have never felt this emotional. I was sitting in the sunroom with my thoughts and saw Alicea and Noah pull up in the driveway. They came in. Noah gave me his "big hug." I was teary, but not crying and told him how much I loved him and touched his face. Alicea came in, we hugged and both started to cry. Not sobbing, just sad tears. She said all the way over she told herself to be strong and was not going to cry. Good luck with that. Courtney came just after. I hugged her and it started again. Big, tough dad. I see them in the room. I was on the wicker chair, Courtney on my left on the floor, Alicea in the middle of the room on the carpet, Noah on the floor by my feet and Margaret on the wicker loveseat. We told them what we knew, which wasn't much. We had no plan, we had no specifics but we drew together as one and all knew it was a fight we all take on together.
We talked, we cried, we said positive things. We went out for dinner and everyone went home with their thoughts. I've always known how lucky I was to have a family who I truly love and respect and have always known would be there with love and support in good and bad times. But when a bad time comes and everyone is there with only you in mind, it's a proud feeling as well as a comfort. Margaret and I made plenty of mistakes as parents, but when all is said and done we raised caring, thoughtful, loving children. I am SO lucky. Anyway, after they left, Margaret and I said we loved each other for the 100th time this day and decided there was no way in hell we were going to wait until the following Tuesday to get some information.
Because I was embarrassed and didn't want to hear all the jokes, I had asked Margaret not to tell anyone in the family about the fissures or the procedure I was having but of course she did. How would I feel if any of them had not told me? Silly ego. Anyway, the kids all knew and were waiting for an update. My dear Margaret told each of them the shocking news privately so I wouldn't have to hear her tell the story over and over and hear their initial reactions. Alicea whose been through so much already and Courtney cried and Noah, though sad, pushed through and tried to look for something positive. They would be over to the house in an hour.
When Margaret and I got home the shock still hadn't worn off. We didn't know what to say, but everytime we'd look at each other we'd get teary. We were completely unprepared for this news. I have never felt this emotional. I was sitting in the sunroom with my thoughts and saw Alicea and Noah pull up in the driveway. They came in. Noah gave me his "big hug." I was teary, but not crying and told him how much I loved him and touched his face. Alicea came in, we hugged and both started to cry. Not sobbing, just sad tears. She said all the way over she told herself to be strong and was not going to cry. Good luck with that. Courtney came just after. I hugged her and it started again. Big, tough dad. I see them in the room. I was on the wicker chair, Courtney on my left on the floor, Alicea in the middle of the room on the carpet, Noah on the floor by my feet and Margaret on the wicker loveseat. We told them what we knew, which wasn't much. We had no plan, we had no specifics but we drew together as one and all knew it was a fight we all take on together.
We talked, we cried, we said positive things. We went out for dinner and everyone went home with their thoughts. I've always known how lucky I was to have a family who I truly love and respect and have always known would be there with love and support in good and bad times. But when a bad time comes and everyone is there with only you in mind, it's a proud feeling as well as a comfort. Margaret and I made plenty of mistakes as parents, but when all is said and done we raised caring, thoughtful, loving children. I am SO lucky. Anyway, after they left, Margaret and I said we loved each other for the 100th time this day and decided there was no way in hell we were going to wait until the following Tuesday to get some information.
You Have Cancer - 7/1/10 - Part 1
I woke up from the anesthesia to find Margaret softly crying in the chair next to my bed. I had gone in for a simple but embarassing procedure to enlarge my spinchter so an anal fissure could heal. It had been bleeding for 6 months, but it was just spots so there was nothing to worry about, right? The spots were bright red and everything I read and was told said that was a good sign. I saw my doctor 3 times about the problem and he was convinced it was a fissure issue. I tried the salves (Witch Hazel, Nitroglycerin and Nifedipine) but none stopped the bleeding and the pain got increasingly worse (a literal pain in the ass!). I was now taking 6-8 650 mg Tylenol a day. I was beginning to worry about how long this would last and how many times per day I'd have to change my underwear.
Initially I was referred to Dr. Ghardi at the G.I. Clinic in Everett by my GP. I didn't know this at the time, but Dr. Ghardi had performed my colonoscopy in March, 2006. He remembered me, but not surprisingly I didn't remember him. My face had been in a different direction I guess. Dr Ghardi took a quick look "behind" and seemed to again confirm the fissure and told me about the surgical options. What was troubling were the potential after effects which included incontinence and extreme discomfort. He recommended we try another salve and if that didn't work then we could look at the surgical option. He wanted to check with the senior doctor at the clinic for other ideas and brought Dr. Marsidi in for the consult. He didn't feel the salve would work and suggested a procedure where he probed in the sphincter with his fingers and literally stretched it. I had 2 thoughts...no matter how much he makes, it's not enough and how large are his fingers. Luckily he's Asian. We set up the procedure for July 1st.
I checked in with Margaret and we waited and made all of the usual jokes. Finally they came for me. When I went into the operating room, Dr. Marsidi spoke to me for a couple of minutes and prepared for the procedure. He felt inside "that area" and even at that moment something didn't seem quite right about his vibration. He said something to the anesthesiaologist about the dosage they should use which also seemed odd to me. Looking back, I think he told her to use a lower dosage because he already had a sense there was a different problem. Apparently he was right because after I was asleep, he probed with his camera, confirmed his suspicion and clocked out of surgery in less than 3 minutes!
He went to speak to Margaret and told her that he wouldn't be continuing with the procedure and had found a tumor in my colon. By the shape and texture he felt certain it was cancerous and had performed a biopsy. He would sent it out to confirm the growth and thought we should have a response by the following Tuesday (today was Thursday). He was calm and gentle with her, sad for the shock she was feeling and apologized for the pain she was feeling and for the previous incorrect diagnosises. During this time they wheeled me out of the operating area and into post op where Margaret waited to tell me the news.
I woke up from the anesthesia to find Margaret softly crying in the chair next to my bed. I was surprised at how alert I felt. No stupor, no heavy eyes...it was over already. I was healed!!!!! I don't think I'll ever forget the next moment. She looked at me, crying and softly told me they found a tumor and I had cancer. 3 words and I knew everything was going to change for me. "You have cancer."
Initially I was referred to Dr. Ghardi at the G.I. Clinic in Everett by my GP. I didn't know this at the time, but Dr. Ghardi had performed my colonoscopy in March, 2006. He remembered me, but not surprisingly I didn't remember him. My face had been in a different direction I guess. Dr Ghardi took a quick look "behind" and seemed to again confirm the fissure and told me about the surgical options. What was troubling were the potential after effects which included incontinence and extreme discomfort. He recommended we try another salve and if that didn't work then we could look at the surgical option. He wanted to check with the senior doctor at the clinic for other ideas and brought Dr. Marsidi in for the consult. He didn't feel the salve would work and suggested a procedure where he probed in the sphincter with his fingers and literally stretched it. I had 2 thoughts...no matter how much he makes, it's not enough and how large are his fingers. Luckily he's Asian. We set up the procedure for July 1st.
I checked in with Margaret and we waited and made all of the usual jokes. Finally they came for me. When I went into the operating room, Dr. Marsidi spoke to me for a couple of minutes and prepared for the procedure. He felt inside "that area" and even at that moment something didn't seem quite right about his vibration. He said something to the anesthesiaologist about the dosage they should use which also seemed odd to me. Looking back, I think he told her to use a lower dosage because he already had a sense there was a different problem. Apparently he was right because after I was asleep, he probed with his camera, confirmed his suspicion and clocked out of surgery in less than 3 minutes!
He went to speak to Margaret and told her that he wouldn't be continuing with the procedure and had found a tumor in my colon. By the shape and texture he felt certain it was cancerous and had performed a biopsy. He would sent it out to confirm the growth and thought we should have a response by the following Tuesday (today was Thursday). He was calm and gentle with her, sad for the shock she was feeling and apologized for the pain she was feeling and for the previous incorrect diagnosises. During this time they wheeled me out of the operating area and into post op where Margaret waited to tell me the news.
I woke up from the anesthesia to find Margaret softly crying in the chair next to my bed. I was surprised at how alert I felt. No stupor, no heavy eyes...it was over already. I was healed!!!!! I don't think I'll ever forget the next moment. She looked at me, crying and softly told me they found a tumor and I had cancer. 3 words and I knew everything was going to change for me. "You have cancer."
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