I vaguely remember Margaret telling me what the doctor found and what he told her. I think when I heard the news, I just stepped out of myself for a bit. I have no recollection of getting up, getting dressed, saying goodbye to anyone or leaving the clinic. I don't remember walking to the car or driving away. I don't remember any words we might have spoken. What I do recall is the car in motion with me in it, looking at Margaret and my eyes flooding with tears. I suddenly knew it was real. It was me, not someone else. I had it. I was sad because I knew our life was going to change but I wasn't worried or scared or in denial. The tears came in waves and I could only think about the kids and how sad they were going to be when they heard the news. Their lives were not going to be the same. I was going to create sadness and worry for all of them. Cancer sucks!
Because I was embarrassed and didn't want to hear all the jokes, I had asked Margaret not to tell anyone in the family about the fissures or the procedure I was having but of course she did. How would I feel if any of them had not told me? Silly ego. Anyway, the kids all knew and were waiting for an update. My dear Margaret told each of them the shocking news privately so I wouldn't have to hear her tell the story over and over and hear their initial reactions. Alicea whose been through so much already and Courtney cried and Noah, though sad, pushed through and tried to look for something positive. They would be over to the house in an hour.
When Margaret and I got home the shock still hadn't worn off. We didn't know what to say, but everytime we'd look at each other we'd get teary. We were completely unprepared for this news. I have never felt this emotional. I was sitting in the sunroom with my thoughts and saw Alicea and Noah pull up in the driveway. They came in. Noah gave me his "big hug." I was teary, but not crying and told him how much I loved him and touched his face. Alicea came in, we hugged and both started to cry. Not sobbing, just sad tears. She said all the way over she told herself to be strong and was not going to cry. Good luck with that. Courtney came just after. I hugged her and it started again. Big, tough dad. I see them in the room. I was on the wicker chair, Courtney on my left on the floor, Alicea in the middle of the room on the carpet, Noah on the floor by my feet and Margaret on the wicker loveseat. We told them what we knew, which wasn't much. We had no plan, we had no specifics but we drew together as one and all knew it was a fight we all take on together.
We talked, we cried, we said positive things. We went out for dinner and everyone went home with their thoughts. I've always known how lucky I was to have a family who I truly love and respect and have always known would be there with love and support in good and bad times. But when a bad time comes and everyone is there with only you in mind, it's a proud feeling as well as a comfort. Margaret and I made plenty of mistakes as parents, but when all is said and done we raised caring, thoughtful, loving children. I am SO lucky. Anyway, after they left, Margaret and I said we loved each other for the 100th time this day and decided there was no way in hell we were going to wait until the following Tuesday to get some information.
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